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Episode 100: Highlights From Episodes 1-99/Rendered in Couplets That Usually Rhyme

It all began with a family named Bolt,

Alcoholics Viv and Daedalus, and Steel, a dolt.

 

They were having breakfast like any other day

When a story began that won’t go away.

 

Steel said to Viv, “This’ll upset you, of course, 

but since what you’ve been riding isn’t a horse

 

I shall have to prevent you from going to the barn.

It’s for your own good.  To keep you from harm.”

 

Viv adopted a mood that went beyond upset.

“You’re an asshole, a prick.  You’re loving this, I bet.”

 

But the very next morning, Steel’s motives were revealed.

Viv’s husband was dead, his heart had congealed.

 

She was thrilled; “I’ll take his money and run.”

“No you won’t,” Steel responded, “the stable boy’s his son.

 

And as such, young Burl inherits all the money.

I’ve already banished him from town.  You’re out of luck, honey.”

 

Naturally, histrionics from Viv were required.

She drank and swore and rued that Steel were ever sired.

 

Meanwhile, the stableboy, Burl Hard by name,

Was receiving advice on how to achieve ill-fame.

 

“My intellect combined with your large supply of cash

Means we’ll be able to take down those Bolts in a flash.”

 

Shortly thereafter, Daedalus swore on his life

He’d seen a stripper who looked just like Steel’s wife.

 

“But my wife, she is dead.  This must be a lark.”

“If so how’d that woman get that birthmark?”

 

So Steel went to see and indeed it was her

His reaction the wrath of the bouncers did incur.  

 

The woman later on sought Daedalus out.

“I was wondering if you could tell me what my life is about?

 

I woke up years ago with no memories of my own.

I go by the name Trixie Testosterone.

 

But I’m convinced, and I told everyone who listened,

That is not the name under which I was christened.

 

I suspect you might know what the actual facts be,

As you seem well-acquainted with that man who attacked me.”

 

So Daed took her home and told her all

About her past, her husband, her benevolent call.

 

He was shocked that occasionally she talked like a trucker

But it didn’t prevent him from taking her to bed to fuck her.

 

Truthfully he fit in her like a hand in a glove,

So it wasn’t long before they were in love.

 

But that nasty Steel can be a dastardly planner.

He had Trixie snatched and brought to Bolt Manor.

 

“Oh my wife, you most enchanting pixie,

I won’t let you leave ‘til your Chastity, not Trixie.”

 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t remember being that other.

And I really don’t care, now that I’m fucking your brother.”

 

That was all that Steel needed to hear.

“Get out, you slut!  Never again come near.”

 

Luckily, soon after, Steel was rescued from grief.

(Although heartbreak still hurts even when it is brief.)

 

The moment he saw Charity it was clear he was done.

He was entirely taken with the fallen nun.

 

She’d escaped from the nunnery (this probably sounds corny)

Because she was completely and utterly horny.

 

Steel used this affliction to further his cause.

When he asked her to marry she didn’t even pause.

 

Finally, she thought, without another care,

Something other than my finger up there.

 

But before she new it, Steel was done.

Leaving her thinking, That wasn’t much fun.

 

Her disappointment reached an even higher peak,

When Steel said, “From now on, just twice a week.”

 

Meanwhile, Viv had met a new man,

He said, “You and I, let’s do all that we can

 

To clean up our acts, to get out of these ruts.

Let’s stop being drunks and addicts and sluts.”

 

Viv took this advice and the man’s protection;

She put all her faith in her saviour, Hugh Rection.

 

At the same time across town, something was the matter.

Trixie awoke and made such a clatter.

 

Daedalus took one look and said, “Exactly when 

did you stop being Trixie and become Chastity again?”

 

She replied, “Don’t you worry.  It’s not your concern.

But now that I’m back it’s time you did learn

 

I’ll no long put up with your drinking and tarrying

I don’t want you affecting this baby I’m carrying.”

 

Some other stuff happened, but we can’t quote it all

Or the pace of this poem would slow to a crawl.

 

Let’s pick it up just before Viv’s wedding day

(A sad occasion that didn’t start out that way.)

 

On the wedding’s eve, young Charity was perplexed

As a result of being systematically undersexed.

 

The situation was affecting her sanity, her pride.

So she went in to Daed’s room and, man, did she ride.

 

The next day at the wedding, not according to plan,

The ceremony was disrupted by a gorgeous, black man.

 

He said, “Thank god I got here before this was done.

You two cannot marry because he is your son.

 

You couldn’t have known about this faux pas,

But he’s the child you had by Benson Benoit.”

 

You can only imagine the cry and the hue

When people confirmed that indeed it was true.

 

For her part, poor Viv drove maniacally away

Only then did she realize for a drink she did pray.

 

She was about to guzzle a vodka in a joint known for sleaze,

When a hand reached out and said, “Don’t do that, please.”

 

The hand, it belonged to that same black man

Of whom Viv quickly became a devoted fan.

 

He kept her sober by listening to her rants

And as a reward he got into her pants.

 

Viv was so beautiful and Norbert so supple,

Soon enough they were a committed couple.

 

Daed and Charity’s affair was an on-going thing.

To new heights of ecstasy each other they did bring.

 

But the smiles on their faces turned to a frown

When Steel discovered them copulating upside down.

 

To her he said, “Don’t you ever come back.”

To him, “Don’t dare leave,” he uttered sans tact.

 

Then Steel stormed out, leaving the two

Pondering what exactly they should do.

 

Charity said to Daed, “I don’t want to go.

Especially now that I’m housing our embryo.”

 

Upon hearing that, Daedalus recoiled,

Not unlike a man whose skin’s being boiled.

 

He said that he’d help her and that her pregnancy grieved him,

But she was the only one who believed him.

 

He sent her to a motel, where she was sure to be a stranger,

With a little money and an address in case of danger.

 

Steel, in a bar, walked up and said “Mister?”

To Hugh Rection, the man who almost married his sister

 

“I was wondering if you would be able and willing

To help me out by doing some killing?”

 

Not long after that Daed was plucked away

But Hugh couldn’t kill him now that he’s gay.

 

He said, “I hope from this a lesson you’ll learn.

I’m going to let you go—don’t ever return.”

 

So Daedalus was gone, but not to his tomb,

While Charity was left penniless in a motel room.

 

With nowhere to go and nothing to do

She put her faith in the love she thought was true.

 

She went to the address Daedalus had given,

And was shocked by what she saw, as sure as she was livin’.

 

For the house it belonged—the cause of the strife—

To the woman who before Charity, had been Steel Bolt’s wife.

 

The two stared at each other, the situation was wild.

And got more so when they discovered both were with child.

 

And not the progeny of the man they had wed,

But that sexy, unreliable rascal named Daed.

 

Since Charity had no place to go,

Chastity said, “Move in here.  There’s room you know.

 

And I’ll go see Steel and get him to give you money.

We’ll have such fun.  You’ll see, honey.”

 

Steel gave her the money without any bother

‘Cause he wanted to continue the bloodline of his father.

 

Not too long after, Viv came to Steel

And said, “What’s going on.  What’s the deal?

 

People are saying you had your own brother killed,

Because he the vaginas of your ex-wives tilled.”

 

“I’ll tell you what happened.  It will be a surprise.”

Then Steel strung together nothing but lies.

 

Viv eagerly believed all, ‘cause she had more to say,

Most notably, “I want Norbert to move in here today.”

 

After thinking it over from one end to the other,

Steel said yes, hoping Norbert could replace his brother.

 

A few weeks later, Viv exclaimed with a fright

“There was a murder in Crescendo Cove last night.”

 

The details of the homicide we’re sure you’d abhor.

The victim was Steel’s waitress from the night before.

 

Steel went to the office, not overly concerned,

Until mid-morning when new information he learned

 

About the inaccessibility of Fastener computer files

Tested all of his cunning, patience and wiles.

 

Again the next morning Viveka read

That Steel’s waitress from the night before was dead.

 

As Viv read on the newspaper said

The killer’s dubbed the Crusher ‘cause he crushed the girl’s head.

 

Steel avoided restaurants for a number of days.

When he did go again, the next paper did amaze.

 

When it came to the homicides there had been a lull,

But now, again, a waitress with a smashed-in skull.

 

To offset the sadness of the murders (a stylistic ploy)

Chastity gave birth to a slimy baby boy.

 

That same morning, while trying to have his computer make amends,

Steel was visited by one of his oldest friends.

 

Unfortunately, this friend, Moogoo Guypan,

Was of the police force, head Homicide man.

 

He said, “We have no leads.  We can only begin

With the fact whoever serves you gets her head smashed in.

 

Do you have any idea who would want it so?”

Steel thought of Hard Hinges, but lied and said “No.”

 

“Well, I’m sure you didn’t do it, but do us all a favour;

From now on stay at home for the food that you savour.”

 

Just a few days later, at his favourite Chinese place,

Steel was enchanted by his meal as well as Ling’s lovely face.

 

But alas, the next morning, again it was true,

When it came to living, Ling was through.

 

This time when Moogoo came to see Steel

He wasn’t friendly at all, his anger was real.

 

“Steel, I told you not to go out to eat,” he said,

“But you didn’t listen and now another girl’s dead.

 

My bosses tell me they want you arrested.”

“But I didn’t do anything,” Steel protested.

 

“I’ll try to fend them off as long as I can.

While I do, for chrissakes, eat at home, man!”

 

A couple days later, things were just as bad.

His company’s pending bankruptcy made Steel sad.

 

Furthermore, he was as hungry as an alley cat,

So he stopped at a place where they say, “Want fries with that?”

 

The next day the girl who’d served him—I’m sure you’ve guessed—

Had a busted up skull and was partially undressed.

 

That same night in his study, overcome by sorrow

Steel was informed he’d be arrested tomorrow.

 

Moogoo suggested, due to his prominence and pride,

A better solution for Steel might be suicide.

 

This got Steel to thinking and he reminisced

About his whole life and the people he missed.

 

So many things I’ve never done, he did think,

For example, I’ve never even had a drink.

 

Then Steel remembered what alcohol did to his mother.

Not to mention its toll on his father, sister and brother.

 

But despite these ill-omens to which Steel had a link

Aloud he said “Fuck it,” and poured himself a drink.

 

Because of the booze (which he’d never had before)

Steel became depressed to his very core.

 

So much so that eventually he pulled out a gun

And was about to ensure that his life was done.

 

But before he could shoot, indeed this is true,

Someone emerged from the corner and Steel said “You?”

 

So that’s what happened; if it seems like loads,

There’ll be even more in the next hundred episodes.

Continue Reading: Episode 101: In Which Steel Talks To ...