A Tale for the Modern Attention Span
Steel Bolt focussed intently on his monitor. Things were coming together nicely. If his search results were to be believed, he would have all he wanted in mere moments. Still staring at the screen while he clicked through some links, he sent his left hand on an exploratory mission for his now omnipresent drink. He located it, brought it to his lips and swallowed a full ounce of scotch. At that same moment, success. He gaped at his monitor with appreciative wonder: Yes! Uma Thurman naked!
He had just resolved to go in search of Elle McPherson when the phone on his desk rang the way it rings when Beth Breath is calling. “What?” he asked with annoyance. I’ve got more important things to do than talk to you. I’ve just discovered internet porn.
“Moogoo Guypan is here to see you, sir,” Beth Breath said frostily.
“Send him in!” Steel jumped from his chair and accosted his friend, punching his shoulder and tousling his hair, as soon as he opened the door. “Moogoo, my little, slanty-eyed buddy, how the hell are ya?”
“Fine, Steel. I’ve come to talk to you about your drinking and driving conviction—”
“Yeah, big fuckin’ deal. Like I can’t afford a chauffeur. Or maybe I could get one of your people to pull me around in a rickshaw.” Steel said this and then doubled over with laughter.
The Detective ignored the comment: “I also want to discuss the fact you’ve been banned from a number of restaurants lately—”
Steel stopped laughing and looked at Moogoo seriously; “You know what we’ve never done together?”
“What?” Moogoo asked reluctantly.
“Got loaded! What do ya say you and me go down to Chez Pussy, check out the ladies and get stupid?”
“Steel, I don’t think that would be appropriate.”
“Alright fine, fuck ya, ya little Jap-Nip, whatever ya are. I’ll go by myself.”
And with that Steel left.
Assembled in Steel’s spacious office at 1:00 p.m. (because that’s what time he arrives at work these days—if he arrives at all) were Viveka, Norbert, Manuel, Consuela, Moogoo Guypan, the Mayor, Police Commissioner Gordon, Dixon Cider, Chastity Fate and her little boy Lightning, an enormously pregnant Charity Hope, Beth Breath, Isaac the bartender, a variety of Bolt Fastener employees, and some acquaintances of Steel Bolt’s.
He took one step in the door, looked at the assembled crowd, swallowed the remnants of the beer he had in his hand and said, “An intervention? Cool.”
Viveka stepped forward. “Steel, we’ve all gathered here because—”
“Fuck you,” he said with a smile on his face. Then he turned and left.
Beth Breath thought it odd that Steel had requested her presence in his office. It’s not like he does work in there anymore.
When she opened the door, he wasn’t behind his desk. He was sitting on the couch by the window. And he was so drunk he couldn’t keep his head from swaying.
He patted the couch cushion beside him. “Come join me over here, Miss Breasts.”
Beth went and sat beside him, still confused.
He stared at her face for a second and then looked lower. “Jeez, you got great tits,” he muttered, reeking breath coming out with his words. He reached over and clumsily slid his hand into her silk blouse. When he got inside of her bra he took hold of her left breast and squeezed—but not tenderly, he squeezed it like it might make a honking noise if he squeezed hard enough.
Beth was shocked and confused. This was, after all, what she’d been dreaming of for years. But then she recognized the unsavoriness of it all and got up sobbing. As she fled the room she heard him say, “You got a totally fantastic ass too, babe!”
Continue Reading: Episode 112: Efforts That Are Last Ditch Lead To Being Called A Bitch